Relationship Tip: Never Make Anyone Wrong (Even When It REALLY Feels Like They Are)
This is one of the most important relationship shifts you can make.
If you can integrate just this one practice—not making the other person wrong—your entire relational dynamic will begin to shift. I’ve seen it with my clients, I’ve experienced it in my own life, and it’s a core principle I teach over and over again. Because it works.
Our Default Response
In moments of conflict, our nervous system goes into protection mode. The impulse is usually to point the finger. To say:
“You’re the problem.”
“You’re making me feel this way.”
“You need to change.”
But here's the hard truth: even if the other person is 95% “responsible” for what happened, we are still 5% responsible—and that 5% matters. It might be how we responded. How we didn’t speak up. How we tried to control, fix, or manage them instead of sitting with our discomfort.
Blame feels satisfying in the short term because it temporarily takes the heat off of us. But it keeps us stuck in the same patterns, replaying the same arguments with different faces over time.
Why It Doesn’t Work
The moment we make the other person wrong, their walls go up. This is human nature. They go into defense mode. Now we’re both activated, neither of us feeling seen, and the nervous system interprets each other as a threat.
This creates a looping cycle—attack, defend, withdraw, repeat.
And in that loop, nobody wins. No one feels heard. And the actual pain underneath the conflict—the longing to feel safe, understood, connected—is never addressed.
What To Do Instead
Start by noticing your urge to react. Pause. Take a breath. So much of healing is in the pause.
Remind yourself that it always takes two. Even if your role was subtle, it’s still important to take ownership of your side of the street. This doesn’t mean abandoning yourself or excusing harmful behavior. It means being willing to take radical responsibility for your inner world.
Ask yourself:
What part of me got activated in this moment?
What wound is this touching?
What story am I telling myself about what this means?
Once you’ve grounded yourself, you can come back to the conversation from a place of curiosity and connection, not control.
You might say:
“When that happened, what came up for me was…”
“I noticed I felt X, and I want to understand what was going on for you.”
“This reminded me of something from my past that still lives in me.”
This is how repair happens. Not by being right. But by being real.
A Deeper Truth
We are the common denominator in every relationship we’re in. That’s not something to feel ashamed of—it’s something to feel empowered by. Because it means we’re not powerless.
If we’re part of the problem, we’re also part of the solution.
And healing doesn’t come from perfect communication or conflict-free relationships. It comes from learning to stay with ourselves in the discomfort, to get curious about our patterns, and to keep choosing repair over rupture—even when it’s hard.
If you’re ready to explore these patterns and shift the way you relate—from blame to understanding, from reactivity to conscious response—I’d love to support you.
Because relationships don’t transform through insight alone. They change when we start showing up differently.