The Addictive Pull of Hot and Cold: Why You Can’t Let Go (Even When You Know You Should)

You know that feeling when someone is warm and loving one moment...and cold and distant the next?

It’s not just confusing. It’s addictive. And if you’ve ever been caught in that push-pull dynamic, you know how deep the hook goes.

One day they’re saying they miss you, holding you close, making you believe this time it’s different. The next, they’re gone. Silent. Dismissive. Cold.

And somehow, instead of walking away—you want them more. You try harder. You give more.

This isn’t just about lack of self-worth. This is about intermittent reinforcement—and it messes with your brain in a way that love should never have the power to.

There’s a well-known study where rats were trained to push a lever for food. When they got food every time, they ate, then went about their day in peace. But when they only got food sometimes, randomly—they started pushing that lever obsessively. Again and again. Desperate. Anxious. They would push until they collapsed. Until they died.

Because the thrill of a “maybe” is more addictive than a “yes.” Sound familiar?

That maybe they’ll change.
Maybe this time they’ll show up.
Maybe that crumb of affection will finally turn into a feast.

You become that rat at the lever. Not because you’re weak. Not because you’re broken. But because your nervous system got hijacked by inconsistency—by the illusion of love that’s just out of reach. And this is the part that no one talks about enough:

The lower the low, the more intense the high.
When they finally text back, finally say the right thing, finally give you just enough to feel seen… it floods your system. Like a hit. A rush. Relief.

Until they pull away again. And your body goes back into withdrawal.

This is what love addiction feels like.
It’s not about being crazy.
It’s about being conditioned.

The nervous system gets used to chaos and unpredictability. So when something healthy comes along—someone who shows up consistently, communicates clearly, loves gently—it doesn’t feel exciting. It feels boring. You miss the spike.

Because you've been trained to mistake anxiety for love.
To confuse intensity with intimacy.

But the truth is:
Real love doesn’t feel like a rollercoaster.
It feels safe.
And safety doesn't mean absence of passion—it means passion without panic.

The hot and cold dynamic is a trap.
It teaches you to chase instead of receive.
To perform instead of rest.
To abandon yourself in hopes that someone else won’t abandon you.

But the deeper you go into this pattern, the more it costs you.

Your peace. Your clarity. Your sense of self.

If this is hitting close to home, just know—you’re not alone. And there’s nothing wrong with you for craving the high. That craving was learned. Conditioned. Reinforced.

But it can be unlearned too.

And it starts by telling the truth:

This isn’t love. This is a nervous system loop. This is survival-mode dressed up as romance.

You deserve the kind of love that doesn’t keep you guessing. The kind that doesn’t make you prove your worth or beg for breadcrumbs. You deserve to rest. To breathe. To feel chosen—not just occasionally, but always.

And that kind of love? It starts when you stop playing the game…And start choosing you.

Choose yourself today by booking your free 15-minute consult today!