How Do You Know When Someone is Unavailable?
They Will Tell You.
One of the most common struggles I see in my work is attraction to emotionally unavailable people. It’s frustrating, confusing, and often deeply painful. But it’s also incredibly common—especially if you grew up with inconsistent love, emotional neglect, or felt like you had to earn connection.
Here’s the thing most people don’t realize:
We are not drawn to what’s healthy—we’re drawn to what’s familiar.
And many of us have mistaken familiarity for love.
So how do you know someone is unavailable?
It’s simple:
They will tell you.
Sometimes directly—with words.
Sometimes indirectly—with actions that don’t align with what they say.
And often… both.
Once they show you, you have a few choices:
You can stay and gather more data.
You can take them at their word and get honest with yourself about whether to keep investing.
Or you can walk away—and create space for someone who is emotionally available.
There’s no right or wrong choice. But here’s the part that can be uncomfortable to sit with:
If you’re consistently drawn to people who are unavailable…
There’s a part of you that’s also unavailable—to yourself.
This doesn’t mean you’re broken or doing something wrong. It just means something inside you is still wired for inconsistency, chaos, or chasing. Something in you still equates working for love with being loved.
To shift this dynamic, we have to turn the focus inward—and practice becoming emotionally available to ourselves first.
That might look like:
Sitting with uncomfortable emotions instead of numbing with food, love, alcohol, or distractions
Journaling honestly about your thoughts, patterns, and fears to build emotional intimacy with yourself
Getting outside support to heal the wounds that keep pulling you toward unavailable people
Creating and holding boundaries with anything that drains your energy or keeps you stuck
Taking yourself on dates, writing yourself vows, and showing up for yourself the way you want someone else to
Surrounding yourself with people who model real availability, safety, and reciprocity
These small steps begin to rewire your brain and nervous system.
The more available you become to you, the less magnetic unavailable energy becomes.
And the more naturally you’ll attract people who are emotionally grounded, present, and ready.
If you’re stuck in this pattern and want support healing and shifting it at the root—
I’d love to connect with you.
👉 Click here to book your initial call:
You deserve a love that doesn’t require you to chase it.
And it starts with the love you offer yourself.